


Welcome to My School, This Ain't No High School (This is the Thunderdome)

by whitetiger1249



Series: What's In a Name? [2]
Category: Carmen Sandiego (Cartoon 2019)
Genre: Adoptive Parents - Freeform, Black Sheep has no impulse control, Cat Videos, Crime School is still School, Developing Friendships, El Topo & Le Chevre Are Relationship Goals, F/F, F/M, Gen, Gray is a little shit, Her Rebellion Phase is Actually Not a Phase, M/M, Memes, Multi, Shadowsan is Dadosan in Secret, Social Media, Tigress has no chill, V.I.L.E. faculty are still dumbasses trying to raise a teenager, V.I.L.E. shenanigans
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-16 03:21:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29075526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whitetiger1249/pseuds/whitetiger1249
Summary: SPOILERS FOR ALL 4 Seasons of Carmen Sandiego (2019)A series of school tales, V.I.L.E. shenanigans and dumbassery that don’t fit into the plot of my “What’s in a Name?” universe but are canonical to that story. Going to be nonlinear stuff about Black Sheep’s academy days and schooling. Plus some morosexuals trying to raise and educate a child (to some degree of success). Plus V.I.L.E. Squad Shenanigans. These stories all do happen to the V.I.L.E. crew, faculty and Black Sheep/Carmen and may be referenced in the main story. We’ll see. . .
Relationships: Carmen Sandiego | Black Sheep & Shadowsan, Dr. Saira Bellum/Countess Cleo (Carmen Sandiego), El Topo | Antonio & Carmen Sandiego | Black Sheep, Le Chèvre | Jean Paul & Carmen Sandiego | Black Sheep, Le Chèvre | Jean Paul/El Topo | Antonio, Mime Bomb & Carmen Sandiego | Black Sheep, Player & Carmen Sandiego | Black Sheep, Shadowsan/Lady Dokuso, Tigress & Carmen Sandiego
Series: What's In a Name? [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2133162
Comments: 27
Kudos: 66





	1. In Which Gray Starts Some Shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, I lied about not updating the next day. If you’re here from “What’s in a Name? (Her Name was Carmen”, I will be back to working on that soon. If you’re here for Teenage Bounty Hunters, another update is coming for both of them in a week or two.
> 
> I’ve just been on a roll lately so here’s more CS shenanigans. This may or may not be go more in depth into headcanons and having an actual plot but at the moment, there’s probably going to be a lot of shit posts and memes. Enjoy!

_ A real conversation that took place at the mess hall turned into tweets: _

Crackle  
@GrahamCrackle   
Did anyone else notice that some of us in our squad have funny initials for our codenames? Like El Topo is E.T. and Black Sheep is BS? 12:06 PM - 1 September 2015  38  40 

Tigress  
@TigerQueen   
@SheepHappensYeah. I’ve always noticed that Black Sheep was full of shit. 12:08 PM - 1 September 2015  43  41 

Black Sheep  
@SheepHappens   
@TigerQueen 12:09 PM - 1 September 2015  45  43 

MimeBomb  
@MimeMistake   
12:10 PM - 1 September 2015  50  51 

Crackle  
@GrahamCrackle   
@TigerQueen & @SheepHappens 12:12 PM - 1 September 2015  50  51 

Black Sheep  
@SheepHappens   
@TigerQueen & @GrahamCrackle 12:12 PM - 1 September 2015  50  51 

El Topo  
@MoleBoy   
  
This is me: 12:13 PM - 1 September 2015  51  50 

Le Chevre  
@GoatBoy   
12:14 PM - 1 September 2015  52  50 

Crackle  
@GrahamCrackle   
12:15 PM - 1 September 2015  55  69 


	2. Crime School is Still School

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get ready to go back to the early 2000s, because if you got Nickelodeon in 2004, there was a show that was great for surviving school! Here's the link to the original theme song: https://www.facebook.com/TeenNick/videos/its-been-14-years-since-neds-declassified-school-survival-guide-premiered-on-nic/1880192398657644/

🎵In an academy full of thieves,

Insane professors,

And deranged cleaners!

Black Sheep, that’s me.

And my two best friends 

(Player and Grahham)

Try to do the impossible.

Help create a guide to help you survive school.

Growin’ up

Lookin’ out

I’ll survive ain’t no doubt

Never fear

Bring it on

Break it down

What’s in my way!

Yeah yeah yeahhh.

Black Sheep’s Declassified School Survival Guide

(Results may vary)🎵

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *The getaway driver from the 1969 movie, The Italian Job.
> 
> **The voice of Cookie Booker and the voice actress for the previous 1994 animated Carmen Sandiego show. She metaphorically passes off the coat and fedora in the show when Carmen steals it.
> 
> ***Parker is one of the greatest thieves in tv history. I love her in Leverage.
> 
> ****Neal Cassidy is the con artist, thief and forger from White Collar


	3. V.I.L.E. Handbook

####  **INTRODUCTION**

V.I.L.E. started up in ancient times, and we have pillaged and plundered since ancient times. Nowadays, we continue our crimes in a more discreet and untraceable way. We first started as a band of looters, thieves and mercernaires, but now has evolved into the fastest growing criminal syndicate and global conglomerate. Built with one focus, to commit untraceable crimes in the pursuit of chaos, wealth and the collection of treasures – V.I.L.E. has created an exceptional experience for the criminal underworld and only the best of the best are recruited. 

Our founders are: Gunnhild the Gruesome, Vlad the Impaler, Elizabeth Báthory, Ghengis Khan and Boudicca.

**Our Purpose**

To acquire Valuable Imports and Sell Lavish Exports as the Faculty sees fit.

**Our Core Values**

  * We Live Life to the Fullest
  * We Believe in Success
  * We Practice Accountability for Missions
  * We Challenge Growth
  * We Deliver Results
  * We Embrace Change
  * We Use Any Means Necessary



You were hired because we believe your experience, ability, and attitude will contribute to V.I.L.E. ’s success. You should be able to enjoy working with the people here and they with you. You can expect fair and respectful treatment from others in V.I.L.E. You will get the most out of your job by expecting to improve yourself and by doing good work. When each person works at doing better, the group, including V.I.L.E. , makes more progress. One of our goals is a work environment that fosters teamwork and mutual respect. Your positive attitude, even when things may not be perfect, will benefit everyone. We encourage you to express constructive suggestions and ideas. It’s all about the team at V.I.L.E. !

While we look forward to a favorable outlook to the future, there are no certain roads to success in V.I.L.E. No one’s job is guaranteed and nothing contained in this handbook should be considered either an express or implied contract of employment. Employment is voluntary for both you and V.I.L.E. You or the V.I.L.E. may terminate your employment at any time for any reason. No one, other than the Faculty and the Hiring Department, and then only in writing, has any authority to enter into an agreement for employment for a specific period of time or make arrangements contrary to this statement.

####  **STATEMENT ON ETHICS**

We believe the greatest rewards accrue to both you and V.I.L.E. when all of us work together with a constructive, devoted attitude.

V.I.L.E. is committed to dedication and loyalty. V.I.L.E. expects the highest standard of work and discretion in dealing with customers, suppliers, competitors, the general public and your fellow employees. These standards include:

  * There can be no conflict of interest between your work at V.I.L.E. and any activity, interest or relationship with non-company persons or entities that you or your family may have.
  * You must comply with V.I.L.E. procedures to preserve the assets of V.I.L.E., including confidential or proprietary information that belongs to V.I.L.E. 
  * You must comply with laws that affect any action you take for V.I.L.E .
  * You must never give any information concerning V.I.L.E and its employees by newspapers, radio, television and other news media to CEO. Failure to do so will end in severe consequences and permanent termination.



####  **CONFIDENTIALITY AND NON-DISCLOSURE**

Employees often have access to confidential, sensitive, or proprietary information. You must use and/or disclose information learned or acquired through your association with V.I.L.E only for the performance of your job. Particular care must be taken to keep confidential any information of possible value to competitors or potentially damaging to customers, or information received under an express or implied confidentiality obligation. You are prohibited from using, copying, or disclosing any such confidential information to any other person, employee, firm, corporation, or other entity, either during or after your employment, except as authorized by the Faculty.

Confidential information includes, but is not limited to, data processing and computer programs and operations; financial information; lists of actual and prospective customers; customer purchase prices; Company training materials and handbooks; and personnel information and data.

####  **NON-DISCRIMINATION**

Every qualified person has the same opportunity for hire, assignment and advancement without regard for race, color, religion, sex, national origin, age (over 40), disability, sexual orientation, military status, or status as a Vietnam-era or special disabled veteran as these are defined by law. You, and all members of the V.I.L.E and are expected to work with others. V.I.L.E does retain the right to have rigorous testing processes and have the right to arbitrarily dismiss employees based on work history.

####  **ANTI-HARASSMENT**

It is a violation of V.I.L.E policy to subject any employee to harassment. Any harassment, whether based on race, sexual orientation, gender, age (over40), religion, disability, invasion of privacy or national origin, is prohibited. Sexual harassment includes unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors and other offensive conduct that is either sexual in nature, or directed at or about someone or a group because of gender. Sexual harassment undermines the employment relationship by creating an intimidating, hostile or offensive work environment. Some examples of harassment may include:

  * Verbal Conduct – such as epithets (a label used to describe someone negatively), derogatory jokes or comments, name calling, sexual innuendo, demeaning slurs, or unwanted sexual advances.
  * Visual Conduct – such as leering, derogatory and/or sexually oriented posters, photography, cartoons, drawings, graffiti, electronic mail, or gestures.
  * Physical Conduct – such as assault, unwanted touching, blocking of normal movement, or interfering with work.
  * Threats or Demands – to submit to sexual requests as a condition of continued employment benefits.



Observance of this policy is a condition of employment. Any employee who experiences or observes conduct believed to constitute harassment should tell the harasser that the behavior is offensive and that you want it to stop. If you are unable to confront the harasser or are unsuccessful in convincing him or her or them to stop, immediately report the incident to HR and the Faculty so the incident may be fairly investigated and any prompt remedial action needed may be taken. There will be no retaliation against any employee who reports a complaint or who provides a witness statement during the investigation. Reports of alleged harassment will be treated as discreetly and confidentially as possible. No employee will be retaliated against for lodging a good faith complaint with management under this policy. Any employee who believes he or she or they is being subjected to retaliation should promptly report this to one of the individuals listed above.

####  **ELECTRONIC AND OTHER COMMUNICATIONS**

Please note: that electronic and other communications are not allowed for recruits/students. Operatives are allowed to use their devices but note that if the Cleaners notice any communications betraying V.I.L.E. intel, the consequences will be deadly.

Our computers, computer networks, software, telephone systems, fax machines, internet access, data stored on personal devices and other information technology (together, the “IT Systems”) are V.I.L.E property and are provided to assist you to be used for business purposes in fulfilling your duties and in the course of normal operations.

V.I.L.E expects you to use the IT Systems responsibly and in compliance with all applicable laws, and normal standards of professional and personal courtesy and conduct. In short, we expect you to use good judgment in the use of any IT systems.

Using an IT Systems inappropriately exposes both you and V.I.L.E to significant risks, including virus attacks, compromises of IT Systems, services and records, inappropriate disclosure of Company and personal information, and significant legal issues.

This policy applies to you and V.I.L.E employees. This includes all permanent full time and part time employees, as well as any temporary staff contracted by V.I.L.E, consultants, interns and employees hired through a temporary agency.

####  **TOTAL REWARDS**

A good Total Rewards program must maintain many elements to attract and retain quality talent. The following elements are those we feel are important to our employees.

####  _ Direct Compensation _

Direct compensation is the wages you receive for doing the basic work for which you are hired. Each employee’s individual pay rate is reviewed periodically and is a product of market research and internal needs of V.I.L.E.. Wages are paid biweekly using direct deposit of net pay into accounts in offshore accounts that are untraceable. Pay stubs documenting gross and net pay along with other deductions are provided to each employee through individual Gusto accounts.

####  _ Incentive Pay _

Some employees enjoy additional pay as they hit missions and are part of the sale of a valuable item. The parameters set with incentive pay are based on multiple factors which company leadership establishes.

####  _ Personal Time Off (PTO) _

V.I.L.E.’s “vacation year” is based upon an anniversary year. This means that your vacation year begins on the date you started work with our Company and runs until the day before that date in the next calendar year.

All regular full-time employees are eligible to accrue up to 10 paid vacation days during the 3 years of employment. These paid vacation days are accrued on a pro rata basis – that is, you will accumulate one paid vacation day for each 1.5 months of uninterrupted service. After that, you will accumulate vacation according to the following schedule:

  * 15 days per year (1.25 days per month) of service for the 4th through 9th year of continuous employment.
  * 20 days per year (1.66 days per month) of service for the 10th through 14th year of continuous employment.
  * 25 days per year (2.08 days per month) of service for the 15 or more years of continuous employment.



New employees will accrue vacation per the schedule above however, vacation days may not be used until after 90 days of continuous employment.

You will not accrue vacation during unpaid leaves of absence.

Please notify company leadership as far in advance as possible of the time you wish to take your vacation. Requests for scheduled vacation must be submitted in writing. To ensure that our Company’s staffing and operational needs are met at all times, V.I.L.E. reserves the right to grant vacation requests at its discretion. PTO requests will be approved by company leadership based on the needs of V.I.L.E. and clientele and is done so on a first-come, first-serve basis. We stress to you the importance of three thing as you take time off:

  1. Communication with your team.
  2. Requests for more that 5 day at one time must be approved 30 days in advance.
  3. Requests 5 days or less must be approved 7 days in advance.
  4. Have fun and relax!



####  QUALITY WORK ENVIRONMENT

V.I.L.E. is a fun place to work. We pride ourselves in having a great office space, fun people to work with and opportunity to travel the world. we pride ourselves in being a company that operates behind this purpose:

_ We create a positive impact on people’s lives through innovative solutions to find employment which allows each person to be the best version of his,her or theirself. _

As this reality resonates through each one of us, we find joy in our work everyday. Team Building events, daily collaboration and servant leadership make for a great day at the office all year round.

####  _ Flexible Work Schedules _

At V.I.L.E. we are proud of our work ethic. Each member of our team works fulfilling productive days. After the completion of your mission, you are required to report your mission status and given an appropriate amount of time to debrief, enjoy the sights and return to base.

####  _ Travel _

Travel will be necessary. Air travel, lodging, car rental and all other means of travel will be covered by V.I.L.E. 

All travel expenditures must be made on a company issued credit card or recorded on an expense reimbursement form. These forms must be submitted with all accompanying receipts in order to be reimbursed.

When using personal vehicles for business travel, logged miles will be reimbursed at the standard rate established by the IRS each year. This too should be recorded and calculated on the reimbursement form.

Reimbursement will be allowed for expense of meals within reasonable limits. “Reasonable” is a matter of judgment inasmuch as the cost of meals will vary by location. Meals attended by multiple employees should be paid for and submitted for reimbursement by the most senior employee present.

####  **SAFE HARBOR**

V.I.L.E. is committed to paying exempt employees for their performance on a salary basis in accordance with the Fair Labor Standards Act (FLSA). V.I.L.E. prohibits deductions from exempt employees’ pay that are barred by the FLSA. If you believe an improper deduction was made from your salary, please promptly report your concern.

####  **STANDARDS OF CONDUCT**

V.I.L.E. operatives must be efficient, discreet and meet mission objectives. Carelessness and capture will not be tolerated. Failure is forgivable but capture is not.

Discretion and secrecy are key as we are an unknown criminal organization that is not known to any law enforcement.

####  **CUSTOMER SERVICE**

V.I.L.E. strives to consistently provide our customers with the highest level of service. In order to realize our commitment to quality customer service, we expect you to do the following:

  * Provide courteous service in a prompt and efficient manner
  * Establish and maintain positive relationships with our customers by gaining their trust and respect through professional, honest interaction
  * Respond to complaints quickly and professionally. If you are unable to resolve the complaint to the customer’s satisfaction, review the situation with company leadership
  * Ensure all communications with customers (whether in person, over the phone, or via e-mail) is professional and courteous.



Thank you for taking the time to review this handbook. If you have any questions or difficulty understanding the contents, please ask for assistance immediately. You will be held responsible for its contents. Our intention is to give you a better understanding of what to expect from us, as well as what we expect from you. We are excited to have you on board as part of the V.I.L.E. team!


	4. wHaT’s  sO gReAt aBoUt dUmB oL’ tExAs? (wHaT dId yOu sAy???)

For various reasons, Coach Brunt had a love-hate relationship with Spongebob. In fact, most of the faculty had come to love and hate the show with a fiery passion but because Black Sheep loved it and it later became crucial to understanding memes, V.I.L.E. island always allowed Spongebob to be aired through phones, tv’s and all smart devices.

Though everyone knew better than to talk about the Season 1 Episode 18a: “Texas”. After the Spongeopoli* Incident, it became mandated it the V.I.L.E. handbook (which had a student edition & operative/personell edition) to not mention Spongebob and Texas in the same sentence. The last time some unlucky fool did, he pissed himself while Coach Brunt just gave a calm but loaded smile. The expected tantrum would never come as her eyes promised a fate worse than death. Rumour has it that the last recruit who mentioned it had gone missing for a week and had come back different. He could never look Coach Brunt in the eye and his head was always bowed in submission. But that was to be expected when recruits and employees accidentally crossed the mercurial faculty. Tales of the time a cocky female recruit tried to steal Shadowsan’s  _ daishō _ were told at the bonfires on the beach as well as the time, coffee was spilled on Countess Cleo’s white outfit that day. Personnel believe that those unlucky souls roam the halls on the full moon but that is a story for another time.

The introduction of Spongebob to V.I.L.E. island started with Black Sheep as most chaos and terror came from the little hellion that the Faculty was raising. As a growing 7 year old, Black Sheep was only allowed at most three hour of television every day and exceptions were only made for movies or documentaries. Black Sheep was introduced to mostly educational tv like Dora the Explorer, Sesame Street, ZoBoomafoo, Cyberchase, Arthur and Ni-Hao,Kai-Lan. As such, Charles “Charlie” Hinton**, was one of the tutors from America and thought it was a good idea to introduce Black Sheep to Spongebob. After hearing an ecstatic and giggling Black Sheep, Charlie made Spongebob a regular show. But he soon regretted it after the Faculty made their displeasure of how the show was influencing Black Sheep.

***

**Is this Pam from HR? No, this is Black Sheep! (2006)**

Somedays, Pam wondered why she worked for V.I.L.E. and then she remembered that she had four children and college was expensive. On the plus side, she was never sexually harassed by her coworkers because even evil had standards and as the head of HR and she was unofficially the highest ranking member of V.I.L.E. Even the Faculty, knew better than to cross Pam as the only reason, V.I.L.E. was running smoothly and **not** taken down for murder, espionage, theft, tax evasion, felonies and other countless crimes was because the HR department and the Admin department made sure everything was legit on paper and running through multiple shell companies.Of course, Pam always had an escape plan and a parachute if V.I.L.E. was ever taken down. Plus, she was too valuable to be disposed of. Jim enjoyed the island life and since all their children were in college or starting their lives, and Jim enjoyed learning how to get into white collar crime, cycling and babysitting Black Sheep, the island is where they stayed. 

Sometimes, Pam would come home to her quarters finding Black Sheep and Jim with twin mischevous glints in her eyes and part of her didn’t want to know what they were planning to do. But it was also adorable and she couldn’t wait till Cecilia or Phillip had kids. 

As part of allowing Black Sheep to get an early start on familiarizing with herself with the criminal organization, Pam agreed to have her shadow the Human Resources department and Admin department. Plus it allowed her to make sure that Black Sheep wasn’t to crazy from the faculty trying to raise her.

One day, Pam had multiple fires to put out in the office as some dumbass had decided that he wanted to not have to learn in class and told Dr.Bellum that pluto was not a planet. That meant she had to have to remind Dr.Bellum that psychologically or physically harming a student could bring lawsuits from the V.I.L.E. Student Union and that she would have to fill out Form 10B and Forms 34C in order to defend herself against the V.I.L.E. Student Union. In addition, she had to pull aside said student and have them fill out a stack of papers and make subtle threats of leaving the island either with their mind wiped, in a body bag or forcibly recruited into joining V.I.L.E.’s civilian personnel if they continued to rile the professor. In addition, some asshat decided it was a good idea to repossess a forklift from one of the construction sites and do donuts. She had Janet deal with that. One of the professors was sleeping around with different people but neglected to tell his partners that he had a boyfriend. Said boyfriend hung a banner saying, “Steve, you cheating bastard! I’m going to fuck you up!”. She was tempted to get the cleaners to take care all of her problems.

She left Black Sheep in her office for 10 minutes with a coloring book, legos and her favorite stuffed black sheep and geography puzzle. When she came back, Black Sheep had acquired a pizza, a cactus from Janet’s office, and a wallet from Jack from accounting and an owl plushie from Leslie Knope’s office. Also she was answering the phone.

“Is this Pam’s office?” a caller asked.

“No, this is Black Sheep,” Black Sheep answered impishly before hanging up.

“Is this Pam’s office?” Agent Dee Tritus asked.

“No, this is Black Sheep,” Black Sheep replied a little louder.

“Is this Pam’s office?” Agent Frank M. Poster asked.

“NO, THIS IS BLACK SHEEP!!!” Black Sheep roared and slammed the phone down.

The 7 year old stared at the phone until bursting into giggles.

Leaning against the door jam, Pam called out, “Having fun?”

At Pam’s voice, Black Sheep jumped and turned around with a sheepish smile. “Loads. Did you stop Dr. Bellum from using her freeze ray?” she asked.

“Yep. The student is instead going to be helping Dr.Bellum clean and organize her lab.”

Everyone knew that Dr.Bellum had her own system of organization in her lab but if the poor student had to help her, there might be explosions, accidents and/or accidental/intentional electricution.

At that, Black Sheep gave a little cackle. She was only a little worried about how mischievous and chaotic Black Sheep was. As long as she didn’t graduate from pranks to arson and cryptic threats, Pam put that as a job well done because what did they expect, raising a kid in an active criminal empire. At least mobsters separated work and family. Black Sheep was in the thick of it at the goddamn training academy. God, Black Sheep’s therapy fund was being added to every year. 

The phone rang again and Pam and Black Sheep stared at it. 

Pam decided to indulge the kid.

“Is this Pam’s office?” Agent Lars Vegas asked.

“We’re sorry. You’ve reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.” Pam answered and then hung up. Black Sheep started laughing so hard that she fell of her chair. Concern flared up but Black Sheep waved her off.

At the next call, Pam answered with, “Frank’s Crematorium, you ghost ‘em, we’ll roast ‘em”.

At this the caller said, “Honey??? What are you doing?”

Glancing at Black Sheep whose eyes had gone wide and she started shaking her head side to side. She held up a note saying, “don’t tell him, I’m here.” Confusion momentarily filled her but then, she remembered that Black Sheep and Jim were currently having a competition to see who could annoy Tom Haverford from Admin the most and she was pretty sure she saw all of Tom’s stuff in a vending machine outside of her office. This violated the terms of agreement as it wasn’t Black Sheep’s turn yet.

“Just having a little fun. After putting out fires all day, I came into office were a certain whirlwind of destruction was pranking people on my phone while quoting Spongebob,” Pam answered.

“Ahhh, I see you took a page out of my book. Hold her there. I think I heard Tom screech about someone messing with his stuff. I got to show the little squirt what happens too cheaters. Got an arsenal of water balloons and silly string”. Jim replied.

“Too late, she’s gone. Good luck finding her. Love you.” Pam answered.

“Got to go then. Love you.” Jim replied. 

While Pam was talking to Jim, Black Sheep had grabbed her treasures into her little purple Dora backpack, stuck out her tongue and disappeared out into the hallway.

Thousands of miles away, one Tamara Fraser aka Chief had a long and boring day of filling out paperwork for one of her agents who had driven onto the beach and got the company car stuck in the sand. Another one, had managed to cause a stampede of dogs while a target had evaded them. She dialed the number for her favorite pizza place but accidentally changed the last few numbers. The phone rang.

Back at V.I.L.E. Island, at Pam’s office the phone rang and Pam decided to do one more prank.

Using her best operator voice, “ Betty's BDSM Boutique. All of our operators are tied up right now, leave a message you bad bad boy.”  she answered seductively.

A choked noise was made on the other end of the phone and the person cleared their throat. “Sorry, wrong number. Thought this was Pagliacci’s pizza,” the mysterious woman said and hung up.

That was weird both women thought. Chief noticed that she accidentally typed in the wrong number while Pam noticed the number was out of the island. Both shrugged it off and never knew how close they were to discovering one another.

Thousands of miles away, a young officer of 25 years old named Chase Devineaux felt his crime senses tingling. As if a big criminal bust could have possibly happened, one that the world could have never foreseen and shrugged off the feeling. He was sure that someday he would have his own, “Doug Judy”** or “White Whale”. For now he was still a rookie cop but thank God, that he finished being a meter manservant. A striking woman in a red coat and fedora passed his sightline who called out, “Arriverderci!” to her friends. Hmmm. La Femme Rouge is what he would call her if she was a criminal but she just seemed like a regular old accountant with her glasses and briefcase. One day, he would get his big bust. One day.

**Bedtime Stories (2006)**

Black Sheep was extremely fond of bedtime stories and her quarters were located in the Faculty Wing of the island. Mondays & Saturdays, Coach Brunt read to her while Tuesday was Countess Cleo. Wednesday was Dr. Bellum and Thursday was Professor Maelstrom. Friday & Sundays were for Shadowsan.

A 7 year old Black Sheep was tucked into bed in her black and green footie pajamas that held the V.I.L.E. logo. Professor Maelstrom strode into the room at 8 pm on the dot as he usually did. After checking to make sure that she had brushed her teeth and was all ready for bed, he sat on the edge of her twin bed.

As he opened The Tell Tell Heart by Edgar Allan Poe he noticed that Black Sheep had a book in her head and an expectant look on her face. Closing the book he asked, “Would you like to tell a story tonight?”

With a mature look on her face she gave a nod.

“Once upon a time

There was an ugly barnacle.

He was so ugly that everyone died.

The End.” Carmen recitated proudly.

For a moment, Professor Maelstrom was dumbfounded but then gave a hearty chuckle. The story was derivative and simple but he had a sneaking suspicion that it was from that inane show about a sponge that lived in a pineapple but Black Sheep’s acting was promising. Even now, she committed to the act and was staring at Professor Maelstrom with a serious face.

Akwardly patting her head, Professor Maelstrom said, “Interesting story Black Sheep but I have a much spookier one in mind.” And with that, he told the story of the Tell Tale Heart. 

A few days later, a barnacle with googly eyes were left on his desk as well as the missing plastic model of a heart he had in his classroom. On it was a note of confession that she had accidentally destroyed the skeleton in his classroom in a “swivel chair race” and had Pam’s husband help her find an exact replacement. He had his suspicions and noticed the newer skeleton but he kept quiet, wondering what Black Sheep’s next move would be. Maybe it was time to teach the young child chess.

He gave another chuckle and in his trophy room dated both pieces and placed it on the shelf. He wondered what other trophies he would collect from the budding operative in the making.

**The Spongeopoli Incident (2006)**

Coach Brunt grew up with kids shows like Sabrina the Teenage Witch, The Flintstones, The Addams Family, Looney Tunes, Tom and Jerry, Scooby Doo and He-Man and She-Ra. So you could understand her curiosity in what her little Lambkins was watching. 

At the giggles in Black Sheep’s quarter, Coach Brunt peeked her head in the room and watched as a talking pirate started a theme song. What was with kid shows repeating the main character’s name all the time.

Black Sheep noticed Coach Brunt and waved her over to come watch with her. Coach Brunt made her way over and lifted Black Sheep up and placed her on her lap. The 7 year old was getting bigger and soon wouldn’t want to cuddle with Mama Bear. Coach Brunt waved away that thought and brought Black Sheep closer.

She had to admit that watching the green jelly bean named Plankton try to steal the Krabby Patty was funny but the real kicker was when they started singing. The yellow fellow was downright annoying with his optimism and persistent belief in the greater good. The only greater good that yellow blob would get was if he stole the Krabby Patty formula for himself and ran his own business. He was clearly the only reason why the restaurant was still successful.

_🎵_ **SpongeBob:** _F is for friends who do stuff together_

_ U is for you and me _

_ N is for anywhere and anytime at all _

**Chorus:** _Down here in the deep blue sea! 🎵_

Glancing down at Black Sheep, she noticed that the girl was swaying and singing along to the music.

_🎵_ **Plankton:** _F is for fire that burns down the whole town!_

_ U is for uranium... bombs! _

_ N is for no survivors when you… 🎵 _

That was way better than the mushy gushy stuff of Spongebob. When did kids show become all bright and bubbly. Where was the action, the adventure, the cartoon violence?

_ 🎵  _ **SpongeBob:** Plankton! Those things aren't what fun is all about! Now do it like this.

F is for friends who do stuff to-

**Plankton:** Never! That's completely idiotic!

**SpongeBob:** Here, let me help you.

_ F is for friends who do stuff together _

_ U is for you and me... _ Try it!

**Plankton:** _N is for anywhere and anytime at all_

 **Chorus:** _Down here in the deep blue sea!_

**Plankton:** Wait, I don't understand this. I feel all tingly inside. Should we stop?

**SpongeBob:** No, that's how you're supposed to feel!

**Plankton:** Well, I like it! Let's do it again!

**SpongeBob:** Okay!

**Both:** _F is for frolic through all the flowers_

_ U is for ukulele _

_ N is for nose picking, sharing gum, and sand licking _

_ Here with my best buddy! 🎵 _

Oh God, kill her! Thank God, that awful song was done. After Plankton and Spongebob became friends, she was ready to leave Black Sheep with her inane show but then, it was revealed that Plankton did steal the Krabby Patty but failed to escape.

Looking down at Lambkins she pointed, “If you’re going to double cross someone or steal something in plain view, always have an exit strategy. Don’t be like Plankton”.

Black Sheep nose scrunched her nose up at Plankton. “Plankton sucks at stealing the Krabby Patty recipe. If it was me, I would have first gotten a good layout of the restaurant as a customer. Than, I would have gone through the backdoor of the kitchen after closing time as the restaurant doesn’t have much security and slip in and out”.

“Attagirl. Let’s watch the next episode.”

After a commercial break, a title card with the words “Texas” appeared and Coach Brunt perked up at that. She was Texas born and proud. She was raised in Houston and was proud of the Astrodome and the Houston Space Center. She was glad that the kid’s show was teaching kids about how great Texas was.

It seemed like the squirrel in the space suit was from Texas. Her Texas drawl and accent was not half bad and that was a magnificent sand castle of Texas if she do say yourself.

Black Sheep giggled at the sand castles and pointed, “That’s where you’re from!”

But her face soon become somber at Sandy’s clear homesickness. She started sniffling when Sandy started singing.

♪Wish I was back in Texas. The ocean's no place for a squirrel.♪

♪Wish I was in Texas, prettiest place in the world oh no. I guess that deep in my heart, I'll always be a Texas girl. I wanna go hooooooooooooooome, home.♪ 

♪I wanna wake up in Texas.♪ ♪I miss those wide open skies. I miss my twenty acres, barbecues and pecan pies, oh, why? When I'm so far from you Texas, all I can do is cry.♪

♪I wanna go hoooommme.I wanna go home.♪

She couldn’t believe that roped Junior Brown into this tomfoolery of a show. A wave of sadness overcame Coach Brunt at her home state. There was nothing like Texas skies and BBQ. No state in the world made as great BBQ as Texans did. But she made her own choices and this is the life she chose. She had made her bed, now she had to lie in it. Luckily, only Black Sheep was around to notice her tearing up at the song. If Dexter was still alive, he would have teased her endlessly until she pulled him into noogie. He was a traitor to V.I.L.E., to the family but she still missed the fool. Glancing down at his daughter, she was glad that she had this opportunity to raise the little Wolfe.

At Sandy leaving, she nodded her head in agreement. Might as well as go home. 

“Yeah. What's so great about dumb ol' Texas?” comes from Patrick.

At this Black Sheep thought uh-oh! 

Coach Brunt straightened up at that remark and started to glare at the tv.

“Scuse me? What did you say?” Coach Brunt asked angrily as the same time as Sandy said the whole thing.

At Sandy telling off Patrick Coach Brunt hopped to her feet as Black Sheep try to discretely slide torwards the doorway.

“YOU TELL HIM HONEY! RIP THAT PINK IDIOT APART FOR TAKING TEXAS IN VAIN!”

At Spongebob’s mooning and insults, Coach Brunt turned tomato red and starting cursing up a storm. Black Sheep had made it to the door side of the room and had a few seconds before the storm hit.

“SHOOT THAT YELLOW ASSHAT! TEXANS HAVE THE SPACE CENTER. WE WOULD HAVE THE 10TH LARGEST ECONOMY OF THE WORLD IF WE WERE A COUNTRY!”

“KILL HIM!”

Black Sheep was out of the radius zone as cheers erupted follow by an explosion on the tv. 

“CUT THAT YELLOW IDIOT IN HALF!”

“YEEHAW! TEAR THAT SUCKER APART!”

The shouting stopped as the episode finished and Black Sheep peeked into the room. Coach Brunt was no longer redfaced and pissed but instead had a determined look in her eye. Black Sheep felt a shiver go down her spine at that look.

A few weeks later, the same episode played but Black Sheep noticed something new.

At the beginning of the episode a disclaimer was put out saying, “The views and opinions expressed by Spongebob and Patrick in the film about Texas and people from Texas being dumb are soley their own and do not represent the views or opinions of the Spongebob Creators and Nickledeon. People from Texas are in fact intelligent and we apologize if this episode offends anyone”. Coach Brunt had poked her head in the room and gave a secretive smile at that disclaimer. Black Sheep just gave her the side eye and squinted suspiciously at her. She had a feeling who had made that disclaimer happen. Coach Brunt whistled a jaunty tune. Satisfied that the executives were smart enough to heed her warnings. All that paperwork from Pam was going to be worth it and she enjoyed scaring the Nickleodeon executives and Spongebob’s voice actors and actresses. She even was able to meet Junior Brown for a private concert. 

If Coach Brunt’s newly ordered punching bags had Spongebob and Patrick’s face on them, then it was her business.

***

**SUBJECT: FRIENDLY REMINDER THAT WE ARE A SECRET CRIMINAL ENTERPRISE**

**To:** Coach Brunt < Coach.Brunt@Vile.com >, Shadowsan < Shadowsan1994@Vile.com >, Countess Cleo < Countess.Cleo@Vile.com >, Dr. Bellum < Saira.Bellum@Vile.com >, Gunnar Maelstrom < Gunnar.Maelstrom@Vile.com >

**From:** Pam from HR < Pam.Halpert@vile.com >

Dear Faculty,

This is a friendly reminder that we are a secret criminal enterprise and as such it is company policy to not be discovered. This includes being talked about in phone conversations and in police reports of Nickleodeon Company Exectives. Threatening tv company executives because you are upset at the opinions that cartoon characters have about your birthstate is acceptable  **if and only if** you are discreet. The person is question knows what I’m talking about and if you wish to threaten prominent figures in tv, make sure to do so with discretion. If you’re going to key their cars and flatten their tires, I suggest that those police reports and camera footage is taken care of. Luckily, the cleaners took care of the evidence. Thank you.

Best Regards,

Pamela “Pam” Halpert

Head of HR

Villains International League of Evil

O 310-872-3648

C 310-839-2020

Pam.Halpert@vile.com

P.S. I’ve talked with Mr.Hinton and Black Sheep is only allowed to watch Spongebob once a week as it is shown to have a slightly disturbing amount of influence on her and the instructors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Spongeopoli is in reference to adding the -opoli suffix to scandals in Italian media. Sponge gate doesn’t have the same feel as Spongeopoli. This is in reference to Watergate and -gate has been used in American media to reference scandals.
> 
> **Charlie Hinton is from the 2003 American comedy Daddy Daycare starring Eddie Murphy.
> 
> ***Doug Judy is Jake from B99's arch nemesis. A criminal that is basically his white whale and who gets under his skin.


	5. Where Do Babies Come From? (or Black Sheep is Given the Talk in Various Stages w/ Various People Pt.1)

**Black Sheep Age 8 (2007)**

It all started because of Spongebob. Of course it was Spongebob, Coach Brunt thought. She had half a mind to talk to Charlie Hinton for introducing the show to Black Sheep.

It was after a Faculty meeting that was wrapping up and Coach Brunt was ready to call it a day. After the Spongeopoli incident, Black Sheep was only allowed to watch Spongebob once a week and the episodes were usually random. Spongebob had proven to be a chaotic influence on Black Sheep as were evidenced by when Dr. Bellum and Black Sheep built model rockets that somehow set ten palm trees on fire. Or when Shadowsan caught Black Sheep trying to make a Krabby Patty and had made a mess in the kitchen. The mess hall chefs were not pleased. Countess Cleo almost burned Black Sheep’s clothes when she wasn’t looking when Black Sheep decided to wear a sombrero, a brown shirt, a fluffy pink skirt and red shoes. She had a butterfly net and was hoping to catch a sea bear. They noticed a large decrease in Spongebob shenanigans after her access was restricted. So, there was no way the Faculty could have predicted what could happen next.

For the past hour and a half, black Sheep had been starting intently at Professor Maelstrom and Shadowsan. They had noticed but brushed off their concern. It wasn’t until that Black Sheep tapped Shadowsan did everyone look towards Black Sheep.

Giving the two one more scrutinizing look, she dropped the bomb. 

“Are you and Professor Maelstrom going to have a baby?”

If it wasn’t for the shock that flashed through the Faculty, Coach Brunt wished she had a camera for to take a picture of the two men. The two men had glanced at each other in disgust because they couldn’t fathom the idea of them being a couple. Professor Maelstrom was aroace aka aromantic asexual and did not understand why people wanted to be chain to another beside the slight mutual benefits while Shadowsan though pansexual, only had rendezvous with Lady Dokuso every once in a while.

Shadowsan’s usually stoic face changed to widened eyes and slight mouth opened in shock while the diabolical Professor Maelstrom face held a slight scowl and his hands dusted off some imaginary dust as if he could brush the question of. Dr. Bellum’s face held a smirk and she was openly laughing while the prim and proper Countess Cleo hel a hand to her mouth and laughter danced in her eyes. Pam who was at the meeting to address the recruitment of new recruits and was their unofficial secretary (though she did get heavily compensated for the bullshit she had to deal with), had done a spittake at the question. 

A moment passed and Coach Brunt knelt to Black Sheep’s level and asked, “Why Lambkins, why do you think Shadowsan and Professor Maelstrom are going to have a baby?”

With guiless eyes, Black Sheep shrugged and said, “Spongebob and Patrick found a baby clam like you guys found me. And they said they wanted to have another baby. Shadowsan and Maelstrom are the only boys. So I think they are the ones who can have kids. Also, Cosmo from Fairy Odd Parents* had a baby too!”

After a momentary pause, Black Sheep asked, “Where do babies come from?”

At that question, Pam gave the rest of the Faculty a side glance to see them all frozen in shock and panic. Coach Brunt was the first to recover and answered, “Storks! They are dropped off on the doorsteps of parents.” The rest of the faculty facepalmed at that answer.

Black Sheep gave a thoughtful hum and then, asked, “So where do baby storks come from?”.

At this Coach Brunt was at a loss for words and a “Shit.” slipped out. Pam, Shadowsan and Cleo glared at her for the curse. The kid had a surprising bullshit meter for when the Faculty had tried to dumb down answers or give kid versions of adult topics. The rest of the Faculty turned to Pam and gave her pleading looks. Her cellphone received a text from Dr. Bellum stating, “If you talk to her about this, we will cover the expenses of your next trip to see your children.”

She texted back, “Make it my next trip and my next 2 week vacation and we have a deal.” 

She watched as Dr. Bellum and the rest of the Faculty had a quick talk about it and gave her a nod. Pam would have laughed at the five heads of a criminal enterprise for bring brought low because of a simple question if she wasn’t in the hot seat right now.

Black Sheep was giving everyone suspicious looks at the moment but Pam waved her over.

“Come here sweetie. Coach Brunt was just being silly. When a man and a woman have sex there is a possibility that they can make a baby. Sex is a kind of cuddling grownups do to show how much they love each other. Babies are made from a seed from a man and an egg from the woman. They join together in the woman’s tummy. That’s where the baby grows-in a special sack there, called the womb.” Pam explained.**

Cocking her head, Black Sheep asked, “Like an egg from a chicken?”

“Nope. Humans have small eggs that are made from cells. All biological women have eggs when they are born and they are in an organ called the ovaries.”

“So how do babies come out of the woman’s stomach? Can boys have babies too?”

“Strong muscles in a woman’s tummy will push the baby down her vagina, and out between her legs. It takes a few hours and normally, a woman goes to the hospital so doctors can help the baby come out and give the a checkup. Biological boys cannot have babies because they do not have the necessary organs. But remember how we talked about how couples can be a boy and a girl, a girl and a girl, a boy and a boy and two people?”

At that Black Sheep gave a firm nod.

“For couples, that are not a biological boy and girl, they can not make a baby together. Instead, a couple with two girls can use science to have a baby though only one of them would carry the baby. Other couples can adopt children like the Faculty adopted you when they found you”.

At that Black Sheep gave another nod and a bright smile. “Thanks Pam.”

Giving a hug and kiss on the cheek to the Faculty, she raced out of the room to go to her dance lessons. She was learning some Russian folk dances. The rest of the Faculty gave a sigh of relief and collapsed in their chairs as they dodged that particular bullet.

Pam couldn't resist. She gave them an evil grin and asked, “You guys know that you’ll have to give her The Talk when she gets older, right?”

At that, groans and curses filtered through the air. Pam shook her head. 

“Luckily for you, I decided to divide up the task between the five of you and to suit your expertise. I give you guys about a few months to a year or two before she asks you guys about sex and relationships. Puberty is not going to be fun for you guys.”

More groans and curses filled the air.

Passing out their assignments for the future, four Faculty members all shot Shadowsan a glare for bringing home Black Sheep and putting them through this torture.

THE TALK 

  * **Coach Brunt**
    * Abstinence
    * Boundaries
    * Self Defense
    * Threats toward future partners of Black Sheep
    * Personal Experience 
  * **Professor Maelstrom**
    * Dangers of toxic relationships
    * Healthy Relationships
    * It’s ok to be single
    * Emotional & Mental Processes of Puberty
    * Personal Experience
  * **Dr. Bellum** _(You are welcome to do this w/ Cleo)_
    * Anatomy & Physiology of Puberty
    * STIs/STDs
    * Contraceptives, Birth Control & Abortion
    * LGBTQ+ friendly practices including safe binding practices, transitioning and physical & sexual attraction
    * Sexuality & Gender
    * Educational Porn???
    * Sexual Health
    * Personal Experience
  * **Countess Cleo**
    * Courtship in High Society
    * How to Flirt & Attract the right attention
    * Difference between gender identity, gender expression & sexuality
      * Gender Pronouns
    * The Etiquette of the Lady 
    * Female Sexuality
    * Fashion of LGBTQ+
    * Manners & etiquette LGBTQ+
      * In the closet
      * Out
  * **Shadowsan**
    * Peer Pressure
    * Sexual History
    * Crimes in regards to Sex, Human Trafficking & etc.
    * Sexuality & Disability
    * Socioculture Aspects of Sexuality
      * Varies by country
    * Same Sex Marriage
    * Religious Sexual Morality



_Jim and I had to deal with 4 children and gave the Talk 4 separate times. Good luck! See Ya! Wouldn’t Want to Be Ya! ;)***_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *I know that Poof comes into the series in 2008 but it’s close enough. That episode was funny and I loved how Wanda and Cosmo messed with gender norms. Fairy Odd Parents was a great show but I haven’t watched anything when they added a new fairy odd kid and the dog.
> 
> **https://www.babycenter.com/child/parenting-strategies/how-to-talk-to-your-child-about-sex-age-5_67112#:~:text=Be%20calm%20and%20relaxed.,topic)%20is%20embarrassing%20or%20taboo.
> 
> ***I made a list of things I feel like are important to talk about in regards to human sexuality and going through puberty. If I’m missing anything, let me know. I never got the talk traditionally because my Asian parents never sat me down and talked about the birds and the bees. I think I learned about sex through YA novels, science class, freshmen health class and a human sexuality class I took in community college. It’s astounding how little the U.S. school system talks about human sexuality and the fact that not all parts of the U.S. talk about consent, birth control and contraceptives. 
> 
> I count myself as sex positive and I know it’s funnier if Black Sheep did not know about the Talk or what top or bottom means but I felt like each Faculty member would have their own way of talking about relationships with Black Sheep. I would say the V.I.L.E. squad would help her with the nuances of hookup culture, sex terms and labels in queer culture. Team Red would talk about love languages, romantic relationships not being the end all and would take Carmen to pride. Player would talk to Carmen about street smarts when Carmen fully has full access to the internet and has a tumblr account. I head cannon Carmen as bisexual. 
> 
> I will probably expand those ideas into chapters later on.


End file.
